Teachers & Cops:

These are actual comments made on students' report cards by teachers
in the New York City public school system.

 1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has
   started to dig.

 2. I would not allow this student to breed.

 3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.

 4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

 5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails
   to achieve them.

 6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to
   hold it all together.

 7. This child has been working with glue too much.

 8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.

 9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't

10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered
    twice a week.

11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat
    out 1,000,000 others.

12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.


These are actual comments made by police officers. The comments
were taken off actual police car videos around the country:

 1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you
     just went through."

 2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll
     stretch after you wear them a while."

 3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth
     certificate a worthless document."

 4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

 5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's
     the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you." 

 6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I
     can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?" 

 7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't
     think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift

 8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do
     that again or I'll give you another ticket."

 9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you
     are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where
     you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and
     step in monkey poop."

11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a
     toaster oven."

12. "In God we trust; all others we run through National Crime
     Information Center.

13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"

14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now
     we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal
     friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right,
     we don't.. Sign here." 

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